Culture

image

Amira Dughri/Halfway Crooks Entertainment

image

Eric Reads The News is a daily humor column which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity, shade, and schadenfreude.

.

Okay, here’s what I know: Today Jason Biggs, erstwhile star of Orange Is the New Black and person whose performance in American Pie erected a baker’s rack of conflicting emotions in my high school psyche, made a public appearance at the Oculus with acclaimed television star Mr. Mucus to “celebrate the launch of Mucinex Nightshift.” Reading the word “celebrate” in relation to a mucus-related event initially gave me pause, but as someone who has had more sinus infections than anyone else on Earth (look it up; it’s a world record), I do believe that festivities are in order. So. That’s what I know.

What I don’t know, from looking at these photos, is the following:

  • Wow, what?
  • Like, actually, what do Jason Biggs and Mr. Mucus have in common? Is there some focus group that rated them super highly? Am I in that focus group? Can we build on this? Is it possible for me to put in a request for a photo of affable zaddy Fred Savage (hot af) and the Nasonex Bee, please?
  • What are we to do with Mr. Mucus’ teeth? This is deeply frightening, to be honest. The teeth are doing major work here and, frankly, I have contacted the authorities. What is Mr. Mucus chewing, though?!
  • Arms. Why? That’s all I can say at this time.
  • Are we all okay with the fact that Mr. Mucus’ eyes look straight up murderous?!

    image

    Welcome to your nightmare!

    Amira Dughri/Halfway Crooks Entertainment

    • Why am I referring to him as Mr. Mucus? The respect! Does this dude have a first name or what?
    • Jason Biggs is leaning on Mr. Mucus’ jowl? No thank you a lot!
    • Does Mr. Mucus have an internal skeleton? For what purpose? What’s the reason?!

      image

      Amira Dughri/Halfway Crooks Entertainment

      • There’s a press conference?
      • This has got to be a better press conference than any of Sean Spicer’s, right?
      • What’s going on with Mr. Mucus’ collar? Why so thick? It’s basically a stole. I’m upset.
      • Mr. Mucus’ shirt reads “Mr. Mucus” (redundant) in a college font. Does that mean Mr. Mucus achieved an advanced degree for some reason? And was this degree obtained at an institution called Mr. Mucus College?
      • Is it accredited?
      • Let’s go back to Jason Biggs. Does pie seem like a good thing to stick your wick into, in retrospect? Nope. Flag on the play.

        image

        Amira Dughri/Halfway Crooks Entertainment

        • A debate? Of what? Between whom?
        • Are you telling me Jason Biggs debated a bottle of Mucinex Night Shift? I would like to see that, actually.
        • Debating an empty chair is absolutely a thing I have done after taking cold medicine, however, so this does track.
        • Why didn’t Mr. Mucus dress up for this event?
        • When I take Mucinex Nightshift, will Mr. Mucus visit me? Or will Jason Biggs visit me? Are these the two choices?
        • At the Oculus?!
        • And finally: Wow. What?

          Products You May Like

          Articles You May Like

          Dolce & Gabbana Unveils a Virtual Alta Moda Spectacular
          Fenty Skin Is On Its Way — Here’s Everything We Know So Far
          David and Victoria Beckham Are Celebrating 21 Years of Marriage Today
          15 Designer Sunglasses On Sale Right Now
          Jada Pinkett Smith Denies Claims of an Open Affair with Musician August Alsina

          Leave a Reply

          Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *