And I looked at the dance floor, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat upon him was Death and Death said “I’m coming for that mirror ball trophy!” The new cast of Dancing with the Stars was announced on Good Morning America today as the show bravely continues to stretch the meaning of the word “star.” That great catch-all nomenclature has been expanded to also mean “people who were famous 20 years ago” and “people you are either too old or too young to have heard of” but now, in season 28, it includes “actual agents of chaos and evil in the universe.” FUN!
Let’s take a look at this year’s contestants: Christie Brinkley, James Van Der Beek, and Kel Mitchell of Kenan and Kel fame. All well and good; all basically stars and none of them likely to rip asunder the moral fabric of the universe. Moving on. We have an American Idol runner-up, a Fifth Harmonizer who is not Normani, a former Supreme: wonderful, great, no disrespect. But what horrors await us in the sewer of this list? Could it be a YouTuber known for over-the-line pranks? A Food Network star who run afoul of the IRS? A… non-star? No. It’s worse.
As predicted by the ancient runes before they were destroyed by Thanos, former White House press secretary Sean Spicer and the villain of the Kardashian clan, Lamar Odom, will both appear on millions of television screens throughout the entire fall, terrorizing children, melting icebergs, and calling down the forces of darkness to take over the Earth as the oracle (and Zach Braff apparently) warned.
When Sean Spicer, a man who flop-sweated his way through an ignominious nine months of blatantly lying to the American people, finally left the White House, many speculated that it wouldn’t be long before his public rehabilitation campaign kicked into gear. He’d be retrofitted as a good-natured goof, a pasty-faced patsy. An idiot. But nice. As surely as the ravens currently blot out the light from the sky, that time has come. Yes, he got off to a rocky start with a poorly received appearance on the Emmys and two appearances on Resistance Hero Jimmy Kimmel’s show. And then there was the time he promoted his book by showing up at a wax museum exhibit of the Trump, a move so psychologically disturbing even Freud was like “Wow, this is super weird.”
But now he’s back and he’s going to literally dance as the world burns. What a time to be barely clinging to life!
Meanwhile, the inclusion of Lamar Odom in the lineup is somehow even more baffling. We all sort of knew that the ideas of decency and self-respect weren’t strong enough to keep Sean Spicer away from the public eye for long, but there is no more powerful force in the universe than Kris Jenner. How did this happen on her watch?
Hasn’t Khloe Kardashian gone through enough? And, equally important, haven’t we gone through enough? Every time I buy groceries I’m confronted with some new, strange, wildly unrelatable drama featuring Lamar Odom on the tabloids and every time I think “Surely, this has got to be the end.” WELL THE END IS HERE NOW AND IT’S DOING THE SAMBA.
Do I want to watch Lamar Odom and Sean Spicer wheeze their ways to early elimination against the shiny, energetic forces of Hannah Brown from The Bachelorette and Karamo Brown from Queer Eye? No, I do not. I would like to watch Hannah and Karamo take the two guys on in hand-to-hand combat but that’s just because I’m a little dystopian. And then I want to watch Kate Flannery from The Office trounce them all as the prophecy foretold. But mostly I want Sean and Lamar and other henchmen of our current apocalypse to just go away. It is not too late for good (TV) to triumph over evil. We have the power to change the future. Call your elected leaders, take to the streets, and, above all make sure you vote. We all remember Bobby Bones from Season 27; we cannot let injustice continue anywhere and that includes on celebrity-adjacent reality shows. Dancing with the Stars is our last hope in the battle against the darkness. May the light glinting off of the sacred mirror ball trophy never go out. Amen.