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Though the Iowa caucus, shockingly, isn’t until next February, the 432 Democrats running for president have started to descend on states in the middle of the country in the time-honored tradition of the candidates trying to convince Midwesterners that they are normal people by doing increasingly deranged things. Over the next few months, we’ll see presidential aspirants rolling through the plains madly shoving chili and homemade pies down their faces, laughing uproariously at three-legged races and hackie sack tournaments, and smothering every child with kisses. Pray for the citizens of Mayberry; they need our strength.
Having just announced his intention to run for Approachable Zaddy-in-Chief, Beto O’Rourke tore through Iowa, Michigan, and Wisconsin this week and promptly proceeded to terrorize shop owners and health inspectors by standing on every available counter he could find.
It’s a move that seems intended to improve sight lines and perhaps subliminally connote leadership. Instead, it’s giving me “Cool English Teacher Who Watches Dead Poets Society Ever Weekend.” You know the one. Owns a motorcycle but doesn’t drive it. Obsessed with Steinbeck. Sometimes tosses a pigskin around with the JV football team at practice just to feel alive. Suffice it to say, there’s a bit of a mixed message coming from the candidate, who has what scientists are calling “Gilmore Girls guest star” energy.
Why is Beto putting his shoes up on every food-adjacent surface in Stars Hollow? It just seems so extra and his whole thing seems to be “aggressively chill.” Make it make sense. When you decide to stand on the counter in the diner at Pop’s, yelling hopeful promises at Jughead and Veronica, you, unfortunately, also set yourself up for photos like this.
Beto is literally climbing to power on the backs of everyday Americans! (Do not yell at me about this; this is only a joke.)
Beto on the counter has wild “Let’s put the band back together” energy, but I just feel like if we wouldn’t put up with it from Mark Ruffalo, we shouldn’t put up with it from him. Who let him rent Coyote Ugly? Show yourselves!
For his part, the former Senator seems pretty proud of these antics. He posted a series of pictures from a stop in Detroit on Twitter and led with him giving Peter Parker realness while squatting on a counter.
If you’re going to stand on the counter, doesn’t squatting down to just above normal height defeat the purpose? Why does this remind me so much of the velociraptors in Jurassic Park? Should I mention the irony of standing on a counter to have a discussion about equity? No, better not. Better just leave it at Beto in the crouch looks like he’s playing the titular role in Assassin’s Creed. All in all, just another totally normal things for a to do if you are a self-made, folksy, relatable person who hopes, one day, to stand on the counters in the White House.
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