A perceptive investigator on Twitter threw a bombshell into the 2020 Presidential race with a stunning revelation about Cory Booker’s past. Writer Anna Fitzpatrick was apparently just scrolling through some of Booker’s 2009 tweets (like you do) when she came across a shocking admission:
However, Fitzpatrick cautioned the media not to fly into a frenzied state (too late!), noting that tweets from 10 years ago should be off-limits.
But within moments Fitzpatrick had blown the investigation wide open, revealing a persistent and unrepentant campaign of Dad Jokes littered across the New Jersey Senator’s timeline.
And not just any Dad Joke. The exact same Dad Joke. For years.
The construction seems to follow the same pattern, produced as a response to the question “When do you sleep?” Booker consistently replies that Sleep, an ex-paramour, was on the outs and that he had a new boo. Or rather, a new brew.
Often Booker makes mention of the fact that his new love, coffee, is hot. Which is a double entendre worthy of Oscar Wilde.
As Fitzpatrick diligently points out, this has been going on for years and years with a truly stunning level of intensity:
Is… Cory Booker… describing a coffee orgy? Howard Schultz can u relate?
Naturally, these tweets and many other prompt a lot of questions.
For instance, is Cory Booker aware that his Twitter is public?
Also, who is spending their time asking Cory Booker if he ever sleeps? Is this keeping people awake at night? Do you see what I did there? Should I be embarrassed about it?
Another question: I’m not Iyanla Vanzant but I must ask the Senator why he continues to subject himself to this toxic thrupple. Cory Booker and Sleep have been on-again, off-again more times than Olivia Pope and Fitz and with global-political consequences that are just as grave.
This has been going on for a decade! I’m just going to say it: I don’t think you two are healthy for each other.
And what’s the deal with Coffee? Is Coffee just waiting by the phone for Cory Booker to call? Does Coffee respect itself? What’s going on with Coffee’s life? Also, is Cory Booker performatively tweeting about his happiness with Coffee in an effort to make Sleep envious?
Is it working? Is Sleep sending Cory Booker “sup?” texts at 3 am and liking 9 of his Instagrams in a row and commenting “heart eyes emoji” on every thirst trap?
Most pressingly, should we be concerned?
Whatever is going on in Cory Booker’s soporific polycule, the American public can at least rest assured that Booker’s real life romantic partner Rosario Dawson is totally cool with the arrangement.
It remains to be seen whether the nation is ready for two First Ladies: the former Mimi Marquez and a Venti Blonde Roast in a pantsuit. This is the future liberals want question mark.
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