A Japanese company is selling a knapsack that is, without hyperbole, the size of a human being. Like, not even a particularly small human being. This is a bag that could fit a Jonas. Any Jonas, probably. The bag, called the Backpacker’s Closet, is made by CWF and sold by Plywood; it’s apparently all the rage in Japan and will likely be a hot trend item across the globe in 2019 and no, I do not know why.
According to the bag’s makers, this is an ideal accessory for camping, presuming you camp by bringing your entire wardrobe, a twin bed, a couple of throw pillows, and a humidifier. This is, actually, my idea of roughing it, so I’m potentially on board. But are you really going to be hiking the Adirondacks with literally your entire life on your back? It just doesn’t seem realistic. This model looks like me when I tell my therapist I don’t have a lot of baggage. If you buy this backpack, you have to give it its own room in your house. It will not pay rent. It will just sit there like a giant Jonas-sized ghost. Better just to stay home; camping is too much trouble.
In attempting to convince shoppers to bring this behemoth into their lives, Plywood places the backpack next to a normal sized backpack for comparison, which is truly outrageous. First of all, I do not need to see a normal backpack to know that this monstrosity that reaches fully to the model’s ankles is big. That’s like saying I need to see a triceratops next to a chicken to understand the idea of dinosaurs. It’s big; I get it. Secondly, putting the biggun next to a regular backpack really does make you wonder what is happening in this model’s life that she would need to be toting around so much stuff. Do these two people go to the same school? Is she constantly late to class because of the crushing weight of her life choices manifested in the form of a canvas sack that she has to drag behind her like a curse in a Greek myth? Are the two people friends? Why hasn’t the person with the small backpack pulled her friend aside to tell her to get her life together? “Claudia, buy a Kindle, honey. You’re doing the most.”
The Jurassic Pack is available in a variety of colors but, because of the item’s popularity, most are sold out. While I’m happy that people are following their bliss or whatever, I am not trying to ride a subway being squished by other people’s life choices like I’m a contestant on a Nickelodeon game show. I’m just trying to commute; I’m not out here living that Double Dare life in reality. Please literally and figuratively miss me with this giant bag in my face. If you made the decision to buy this, you need to walk. I don’t make the rules.
The giant backpack, which is real and not just a ploy by the Chiropractors Associations, retails for about $250 and could easily hold that amount in pennies. It has its own gravitational pull and it reportedly sunk the Titanic. You will definitely lose roughly 34 chapsticks in it almost immediately. It is, in case you weren’t aware, a very big bag for no reason whatsoever.