Hello, police?! While on the campaign trail recently Michael Bloomberg met a dog and it was ruff. Please send help.
Okay, I’m just going to relay the facts as they present themselves in the video. Michael Bloomberg was in Vermont, shaking hands with Vermonters, wiping maple syrup on his pants leg, shaking more hands, et cetera. A dog was also there. Bloomberg then decided that the right thing to do would be to grip the dogs snout and shake it, handshake-style, and, unfortunately, I believe that we need to lock the man in Arkham Asylum immediately.
I’m not even being political but this is disqualifying. What is the thought process? This is like that brain teaser that asks if horses wore pants whether they’re wear them on the back legs or all the legs. That’s a subject for the Supreme Court, of course, but the question of which part of a dog you shake is not up for debate!
Can you imagine closing a big business deal and instead of gripping Logan Roy’s hand, you stuck your entire hand in his mouth and wiggled the top of his head up and down? That’s what’s happening here. You know who will not get a kiss from daddy? Michael Bloomberg.
Maybe the repetition of shaking hands with potential voters just got confusing for him and he got mixed up. He’s probably shaken thousands of appendages by now and at least a dozen snouts. That said, I’m not really sure how you make this mistake. Hands famously have fingers on them, sometimes acrylics, jewelry, little letters tattooed across the knuckles to read “EAT THE RICH” (it fits!). Dogs, perhaps more famously, have faces. Little pointy nose, enormous jaw full of trash and chicken bones, tongue. Et cetera. It’s not common that you encounter the gleaming canines of a K-9 and think “Wait, I know what this is! That’s the thing you write a check with. Let me grab hold of it and shake it like a Polaroid picture.”
The only thing that would have made this better (read: worse) is if Tom Steyer had been there to awkwardly stand in the middle before sticking his hand in the dog’s mouth, too. And what’s this dog thinking? Well, how would you feel if you open your mouth to ask about universal basic income and a presidential candidate put his hand across your t-zone? Let’s just say that dog is no longer undecided. That dog is calling up Elizabeth Warren and is like “Okay, I have one question: do you have a plan for how to greet a dog?” And Elizabeth Warren chuckles warmly and says “Let me get my binder. What breed are we talking here?”
He shook the dog’s entire face! I gotta log out.