I Am Pleased to Announce That I, Too, Won Iowa



Eric Reads The News is a daily humor column which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity, shade, and schadenfreude.


Yes, the rumors that I started are true. I won Iowa, proving all the haters and naysayers and people who claimed that I am “not running for president” and “not even physically in the state” so wrong. How did I do it? Well, I’ll tell you, whether you want to hear it or not. Last night, the raucous caucus descended into fractious fracas as precinct officials encountered difficulty reporting results and the tally was delayed indefinitely. Fortunately, with zero percent of precincts reporting, Pete Buttigieg took to a stage and told his supporters that he was claiming victory. A serve!

He continued that messaging today with an email, encouragingly claiming that he was going into New Hampshire with victory in his heart.

Fun fact: having victory in your heart is the only way to enter most New England states. You show up in Vermont with second place in your heart and they will turn you away at the state line immediately. It’s really remarkable that Susan Collins managed to scam her way into representing Maine as she ambles through every day with equivocation in her heart. But, as she’s shown during the Trump administration, sometimes literally refusing to do or stand for anything is actually winning, too.

I do not know, nor will I ever know, who actually won the Iowa Caucus but let me clearly announce on this stage I have constructed out of empty Amazon.com boxes that I am deeply inspired by Buttigieg’s power play and I will be incorporating actions like this into my every day life. This was like the opposite of “You can’t fire me; I quit!” Former Mayor Pete was like “You can’t hire me; I’m already in the Oval Office.” Revolutionary! Efficient!

Isn’t this easier than all that pesky uncertainty and process? Sure, there were some issues with the caucus procedure, mostly due to the fact that instead of paper ballots, caucus volunteers were told to use an app. I’d say that opting to record results using the Domino’s Pizza Tracker was an unwise decision, but the fact of the matter is, when the Tracker says the pizza is in the oven, that pizza is in the oven. You don’t get that kind of accuracy from many other information sources. Can Twitter tell you if your pizza is in the oven? No. Tinder will tell you the pizza is in the oven and then text you to cancel the pizza minutes before it’s supposed to arrive. Instagram heard you mentioning pizza in casual conversation and is going to show up ads for pizza that is probably made in Eastern Europe. There’s not a lot of great apps for pizza tracking/democracy right now. We have to take what we can get.

Perhaps, then, it was the makers of the app, a company called Whoopsie-Daisy Inc. that previously was in the sea monkey business but decided to just take a big swing and reach for the stars. What’s more American than gumption?! Had George Washington been president before? Absolutely not. But he had gumption and wooden teeth and that’s all you need to made it to the top, baby!

So, if we can’t blame the app and we can’t blame the company, I think it’s obvious who we need to blame: ourselves. We’ve been so consumed by such things as “understanding the quixotic election process” and “yelling at people on Twitter” that we forgot our true power as Americans: making a goal and then immediately declaring that goal accomplished through sheer force of will. Former Mayor/Current President Pete is both living his destiny and also life coaching the hell out of us.

Declaring yourself the winner of a contest in which no winner can reasonably be declared has huge Jenna Maroney energy and I love it. Buttigieg telling his supporters that he’s leaving the state and he’s taking the crown with him is like me every time I go to Starbucks and take the first drink they put on the counter. “Flat White for Beverley? Yes, I am she; she is me. Gotta jet!”

This is like when you’re out to dinner with friends and someone announces that they got a promotion and everyone cheers and then you say “I also got a promotion! A bigger one! I—actually, it’s so funny—I’m actually your boss now.” And all your friends are like “Well, I guess you win.” And you respond, “Yes, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

Let’s all declare ourselves victorious in whatever contests we are (or are not!) involved in. Why wait for the votes to be counted when you can look inside your heart and see, as Mariah Carey prophesied, that the hero lies in you? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Me, a winner. You’re welcome.


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