It’s Totally Normal to Lock Your Academic Transcripts in a Secret Vault


Folks. Come on. It is a totally normal thing for a very smart person with nothing to hide to lock their academic transcripts in a vault like a cursed amulet. Why are we making such a big deal about the Washington Post article that alleges after Trump started talking trash about Obama’s intelligence in 2011, he sent heavies to his military academy and harassed them into disappearing his transcripts? Isn’t that a thing that every super genius does? When I applied for grad school and they asked for my undergraduate records I told them, “Sorry, shan’t. They’ve been secured in a tower where they’ll never be reached, Rapunzel-like. But take my word for it: my brain so big.”



According to the Post, a “prominent, wealthy alumni” appeared in the office of the superintendent of New York Military Academy, like Lucius Malfoy apparating in Dumbledore’s chambers. Malfoy told the superintendent, “You need to go grab that record and deliver it to me because I need to deliver it to them.” Them either being the Trump organization or the Death Eaters. Unclear at this time.

I like to imagine the image of some super rich person who is still, somehow, a lackey for Donald Trump, hovering over a cobweb-covered box as the superintendent frantically dug through it, sweat dripping on the crumbling pages. Finally he finds it. He thrusts a yellowed sheet of paper with a bunch of sad faces drawn on it into the air. “Fool! Give it to me!” the super rich person sent by Trump screams. “I must have it to reverse the spell.”

But when Richie Rich reaches out to touch the cursed transcript, it burns his hand and he recoils. A voice rings out from the darkness: “Though test questions did him daily stump/This paper belongs not to D. Trump/He wishes to besmirch the truth/Like it’s a tampered voting booth/But transcripts have a higher purpose/Though C-list flops try to usurp us/The owner is the one he’d mock/I’ll release only to Barack!” It’s like the genie’s lamp in Aladdin‘s Cave of Wonders but astoundingly dumb.



The Post somehow skips over the whole cursed object/ancient spell/diamond in the rough aspect of the transcript hunt, oddly. They do note that the superintendent refused to hand over the record to Trump’s friend who was clearly being blackmailed. Instead, he says, “I moved them elsewhere on campus where they could not be released.” Which I presume is superintendent speak for “I threw them down a bottomless well and chained a dragon to the top to guard it.” All very normal behavior when it comes to papers that indicate how well a 16-year-old grasped the central thesis of Lord of the Flies or whatever.

This story is so idiotically Trumpian in its extraness and its ham-handedness that it’s almost not worth commenting on. Nevertheless! You really have to wonder about the decision-making skills of someone who makes an unfounded attack on the intelligence of a Columbia- and Harvard-educated sitting president, knowing full well that his record can be made public the minute someone correctly guesses Rumplestiltskin’s name. And you really have to ask yourself how smart a person like this could be if he then sends a thug in an expensive suit to shake down a career academic administrator like he’s a FBI informant in Queens safe house. It must be because those transcripts are too good. Yes, that’s clearly it. His brain too big. I guess we’ll never know unless The Chosen One slays that dragon.

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