While campaigning in an Iowa restaurant, presidential hopeful Kirsten Gillibrand received an unusual but urgent request from a constituent, one that will surely shape the 2020 election and the fate of the nation in general. Gillibrand was perched on the top of a restaurant booth like Zack Morris at The Max, encouraging supporters to stay committed to “bold ideas that the base and the grassroots care about” when a woman came along with a bold idea of her own. Seen in the clip below, the woman slides through the crowd sideways and Gillibrand, perhaps thinking the woman has come closer to touch the hem of her garment, places a friendly hand on her shoulder. The unnamed woman isn’t here for pleasantries and warm gestures. She keeps moving, declaring, “I’m just trying to get some ranch.” An American hero.
This is the representation I’m looking for in politics. Very happy that everyone has begun the 600 day process of fighting with your friends on Twitter about the election, but I’m just here for a dipping sauce and maybe a couple of napkins. This is Priorities Goals. No shade to Gillibrand, who surely was giving a stirring speech, but this woman’s buffalo wings weren’t going to sauce themselves, okay?
The Just Trying to Get Some Ranch energy is going to be solely responsible for keeping me alive through the 2020 election. If I’m going to be barraged with spicy political hot takes, I’m going to need to cover them in a savory cream dressing first. And is there a more stereotypically patriotic condiment than ranch, which was invented in 1950 on a dude ranch? A dude ranch! Ranch dressing is bottled Butch Cassidy and we should salute when we pour it.
The struggle to get ranch is so deeply relatable, it almost brings a tear to the eye. Like when you order it on the side with a pizza delivery and they don’t bring it, or when you can’t get your server’s eye and you have to find a way to eat food not completely slathered with another food. This woman, this pioneer, this iconoclast refuses to suffer that fate! Put her on the money! I love that she is completely uninterested in the crowd, the cameras, or the speech that is happening, nor is she intimidated by any of it. This is a woman on a mission and that mission is Something to Dip This Pepperoni Slice In. Inspirational! Clear a space on Mt. Rushmore. And then change the name to Mt. Ranchmore. And then bring another ramekin to Table 13! I need my sauce!
Let this be a guiding example for all presidential candidates: the people of this country don’t care about political in-fighting or partisan grandstanding; they don’t give a hoot if you drink a beer on Instagram or line dance at a wedding; they just want the promises set forth in the Declaration of Independence—life, liberty, and the pursuit of a garlic-y buttermilk salad dressing to dunk these fries in.