Nicole Byer Doesn’t Know That Much About Cake, Actually


Chopped, Great British Baking Show, MasterChef, Top Chef…never heard of them. Who wants to watch people who can actually cook? When I get home at the end of a long day, I want to watch normies screw up their edible pursuits. That’s why Netflix’s Nailed It is the cooking show for me. The cakes the contestants make—admittedly, ambitious and difficult recipes by design—are always huge disasters.

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

It’s not schadenfreude, I promise—well, maybe a little—but rather a way to share in the feeling that we’re all in the mediocre boat together. Not everyone is special! Nailed It is a show that finds us where we’re at, puts us on television, gives us an impossible task, then gently laughs at and with us.

We asked Nicole Byer, the show’s hilarious host, 20 questions about cake. As it turns out, she too is in the mediocre boat, at least when it comes to baked goods. Read on to find out what kind of cake Jacques Torres would be, which was the worst Nailed It creation to eat, and…why someone on the show has a collection of “chocolate dicks.” Yup!

Note: Nicole’s friends Nicholas Stavola, John Mason, and Matteo Lane sat in on this interview. Their comments are too funny to take out.

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Were you into cake fails before?

NB: No, I was not into cake fails before hosting Nailed It.

You don’t care about whether cakes succeed or fail?

NB: Here’s the thing. I just eat food. I’m not looking for pictures of it unless it’s, like, tasty food at a restaurant. I’m not heavily into baking.

On your list of favorite things to eat, where is cake? 10th? 59th?

NB: Well, I love a traditional pound cake…that would probably be like number five. Have you ever had a real pound cake? A pound of each ingredient? Yeah, that’s why they call it pound cake.

If you had to impress someone on a first date, what kind of cake would you bring them?

NB: I would bring them a bundt cake, because it’s got a hole in it, and I’d put it on their dick and then eat around it and suck it. You want to print that?

I want to print that very badly.

NB: I’ll say something normal, okay….no, that’s the answer and I won’t change it.

If you had to be a cake, what would you be?

NB: If I had to be a cake? I guess a chocolate cake. Or maybe a burnt cake [laughs].

Friend of Nicole: A three-tiered rainbow cake!

NB: She says “burnt cake,” friend says, “Why not something better?”

FoN: You’re so colorful, and your life is so wonderful…

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Friend of Nicole #2: You are a burnt cake with no frosting. Very dry.

NB: Yes—very dry, burnt cake with no frosting.

Nicole Byer and Jacques Torres on Nailed It

Nicole Byer and Jacques Torres on Nailed It


What about Jacques Torres? What kind of cake would he be?

NB: Jacques would probably be like angel food cake. Light, airy, fluffy, and beautiful.

Is he as sweet in person as he seems on the show?

NB: The sweetest man I’ve ever met. He’s so nice. And he loves a good dick joke. Loves. He’ll go, “Oh, Nicole that was good!” He loves them. We’ll do examples of what Jacques would do if he was making the cake, and some have to do with modeling chocolate, so we make elves out of modeling chocolate. I always make him a little dick and then he stores them in his desk. He just has a lot of chocolate dicks.

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

And what about assistant director, Wes? Is he a…hotcake?

NB: Wes is a grumpy man. He would be a sopping wet cake, falling down. Wes is grumpy—also Wes acts like doesn’t like the attention, but he loves it. He loves it.

FoN: Wait, you have a really limited understanding about types of cake. Burnt cake? “Oh, you’d be a room temperature cake.” It seems the host of Nailed It knows nothing about cake.

NB: Yeah, all the cakes I’ve described….

FoN #2: They’re all adjectives.

FoN #3: Do you know anything about cake?

Can you tell me: What is a cake?

NB: A cake is a spongey bread with frosting or buttercream or fondant on it. And you slice it up.

FoN: Oh my god.

FoN #2: Just slice it up.

FoN #3: Forever it’s been known that you cut the cake.

NB: You’re right. I legit have not said anything correct! [Laughs]

FoN: Slice up that “warm cake.”

NB: This is my favorite interview I’ve ever done. Because you have to transcribe this, right?

Nailed It


Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

You did a crossover episode with the Queer Eye guys. If they were cakes, what would they be?

NB: Jonathan Van Ness would be a strawberry cake. Bobby would be a vanilla cake. Tan would be a caramel cake. Karamo would be a…toffee cake? And then Antoni would be a guacamole with yogurt in it. Did you see the first episode of Queer Eye? He made guacamole with Greek yogurt! I asked him about it, and he was like, “I won’t defend myself anymore.” I think that’s really funny. He was trying to be healthy and I was like, “You know you’re wrong.” Very sweet, very hot. I think he would be a cinnamon roll…that’s not a cake.

So…you still don’t know what cake is.

NB: I told you! Cake is a bread and you slice it up. It looks sweet, it’s good.

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Which Nailed It cake was the worst one to eat?

NB: Those unicorn cakes were pretty rough. They weren’t cooked. No one was like, “Stop, don’t even try it.” So we tried to eat the cooked parts, and in hindsight, that’s not…safe. We could’ve gotten sick.

There was one contestant who was sweating a lot—a lot of close-ups of his sweaty face.

NB: That’s Sal. Yes, we ate it, and it was disgusting. There’s always someone sweating on cake and it’s so gross. We eat the grossest shit. It’s awful.

Has Jacques ever made you a cake as a consolation?

NB: Jacques made me doughnuts that were the best doughnuts I’ve ever had in my life. It was like a doughnutty doughnut [laughs], filled with cream. But it wasn’t like a Boston crème, because there was no frosting on top. It was really good. He made them with yeast or something…or maybe there was no yeast…I know he said something about yeast.

FoN: How did you get this job?

FoN #2: I don’t even think you put yeast in cake.

NB: No, it was doughnuts! I don’t know anything about anything. I was a secretary for a while and they were like, “Do you know how to fax things?” and I was like, “No, I’ll learn.” They were like, “What do you think you’ll bring to this job?” and I said, “I know how to look busy,” and they hired me! Like, who says that? I remember it like it was yesterday, because I was like, “Nicole…” and they were still like, “Come on over!” And my boss Eric would be like, “Did you fax it?” and I’d be like, “No,” and he’d be like, “Can you?” and I’d be like, “No…” and then he’d go, “Alright, I’ll just do it.” And I worked there for three years.

What’s a good alcoholic drink to have with cake?

NB: A good alcoholic drink to have with cake is anything. Honestly. A vodka soda, some champagne—actually maybe champagne and cake is the best.

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Okay, speed round. Cake pops, yes or no?

NB: Sometimes.

That’s not one of the answers.

NB: When they’re too wet, they’re not good! Cake pops…yes!

Carrot cake, yes or no?

NB: Yes!

Nailed It


Hummingbird cake?

NB: Who? No! I don’t know who that is. Who’s a hummingbird cake?

It’s got pineapple—

NB: No.

Angel food cake?

NB: No.

A lava cake?

NB: A lava cake? Oh, like a chocolate cake that oozes in the middle? Mmhmm. You ever have a soufflé?


NB: I just learned what those were. Where they have a hard top and you crack ’em open and there’s goop in the middle?

FoN: That’s crème brûlée.

NB: So…not a soufflé.

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Wait, can you list ten facts about cake?

FoN: No, she can’t! She can not!

NB: Yes! You have to bake it…Frost it. There has to be frosting or jam in between the layers of the cake.

I don’t think that that’s true…

NB: Yes it is, or else you’ve got a dry-ass cake! That’s what Jacques always says. A cake can also be called a sponge. You cut it. Ummm.

FoN: You smell it, you see it, you taste it.

NB: I don’t know, guys! I guess I don’t know what a cake is.

Nailed it. Finally, what can cake teach you about life?

NB: What can cake teach you about life? That practice makes perfect, and if you try something once it probably won’t be perfect, and you have to keep working on it if you want to be good at it.

Watch Nailed It on Netflix now.


Products You May Like

Articles You May Like

These 24 Celebrity-Approved Clean Beauty Products Are All 20% Off
Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner Turned Their Five-Year Anniversary Date Into a TikTok Documentary
Gwyneth Paltrow and Netflix Want to Goop-ify Your Sex Life
10 Powerful Beauty Tool Deals We Found at Amazon’s Holiday Beauty Haul
Victoria Beckham Pokes Fun at Her Famous Way of ‘Smiling’ In Photographs

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *