Today, Entertainment Weekly revealed production photos from the new live-action version of Aladdin starring Will Smith and directed by Guy Ritchie, and I regret to inform you that I and those photos are currently in a fight. Don’t get me wrong; the film looks great, the costumes are gorg, but there were a couple of things that I saw that so vexed me that I immediately called the police. I’m still on hold with them so I’ll tell you instead.
The Genie is in a top knot ponytail
Why do you have the Fresh Prince out here looking like an Ariana Grande impersonator, though? With that high pony he’s giving me Sorry-ana Grande and I have so many questions. I see this photo and I’m like “Thank you; perplexed!” I do enjoy his “Uncle who owns a yoga studio” beard but this “Dangerous Woman” weave is a whole other level. I’m just hoping the pony has a mind and life of its own, allowing Will to take the advice of his daughter, Willow, and whip his hair back and forth. This is the movie I’m paying to see: Will Smith cracking jokes while helicoptering his hair. Those are all three of my wishes; grant them please.
Aladdin is wearing a shirt
What’s up with business casual Aladdin and why do you hate me so? This is nipple erasure and I won’t stand for it. Original Aladdin was the diamond in the rough; he was the original scam artist, convincing people he was a fabulous prince when really he was broke and about to be thrown out of his room at 11 Howard like Anna Delvey. But, most importantly, Aladdin was hot AF.
Wow. LOL. Still shewk.
Many people’s sexual development can be attributed to Aladdin’s geometric pecs and that is the representation I’m looking for on screen in this moment. I will march for this if I have to. Why does this man have a shirt on? What am I supposed to get from that? Aladdin’s cartoon abs continue to make me want to be a better person and for that I am grateful. This blousy top is cute but it doesn’t make me thirsty and so I want to fight it.
Aladdin is so hot that Jasmine, an actual princess with many modes of transportation, willingly gets on a carpet with him so that he can show her her own kingdom. She’s looking at her house like “Oh, wow. My roof. Wig!” That’s the power of abs. (And, yes, flying.) I get it. I’m just saying the current Aladdin is wearing a vest and a long-sleeve shirt like a dinner theater server and I don’t know that I would get in a Lyft Line with him, let alone a carpet. This is a shame because the actor playing Aladdin, Mena Massoud, looks like this:
This is Mena Massoud hotness erasure and you need to call your representative!
Disney giveth and Disney taketh away. We may have lost Aladdin’s pecs but we gained a hot zaddy Jafar in the form of Marwan Kenzari. He is so hot it makes me angry, and so I’ve called the police.
I’m not saying I’m rooting against Aladdin getting… whatever… it is that Aladdin wants in the movie Aladdin. (Gold? I can’t remember.) I’m just saying Hot Jafar could show me his world, shining, shimmering, splendid, and I’d be like, “Street rat who? Oh, you mean the guy wearing a shirt and vest in Agrabah? I don’t know him.” I get that Jafar is “bad” and has “evil intentions” with the genie but I also understand that he is “a whole snack” who I’d like to meet in the “Cave of Wonders.”
The acting ability of this monkey
Look at this facial expression! The range! Not since Marcel on Friends have I seen such primate performance. Of course, I have no idea whether this is a real monkey or “live action” in the way that all the animals in the forthcoming Lion King are live action, meaning they exist on a computer and we don’t know what live means anymore. Either way, I feel like this monkey is more talented than me and I want to fight it.
All in all, I’m pretty happy with the new direction that Aladdin is taking. I will be brawling with these individual issues in the street however. Or better yet, Hot Jafar and Shirtless Aladdin can fight about it. Maybe in a waterfall like T’Challa and M’Baku in Black Panther. That’s what happened in the original, right? Well, that’s the way I remember it.