Starbucks’ Witches Brew Frap Is 2018 in Beverage Form

Culture
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Starbucks continued their reign of terror aimed at me specifically by releasing a new Halloween-themed novelty frappuccino called the Witches Brew. After taste-testing their Unicorn Frap and last year’s Zombie Frap, it felt necessary to complete the cycle of torture by purchasing this new creation: a frozen beverage that tastes exactly like 2018 feels.

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First, the good things about it:

  1. It’s purple and that’s supes presh.

    List over.

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    Elle.com

    Now on to the rest. Like Romeo Capulet, I have willingly imbibed poison. Friar Laurence is shewk! (You ever think about how Juliet’s name rhymed for no reason. Shakespeare was like “She’s Juliet Antoinette Bernadette Capulet, lol! Christopher Marlowe, is this cool, bro?”)

    The barista actually looked on me with pity when I ordered the Witches Brew. This is a daily occurrence, but at least I understood why this time. I told them my name but they spelled it “Goody Proctor” on the cup. I get that a lot.

    On my way back from Starbucks, I saw a small child riding by in a city bus, furiously licking the fingerprint-smudged window and I actually envied the umami experience to which he was treating himself. Such are the comparative delights of the Witches Brew Frap, a drink that would make Winifred Sanderson declare “Lock me up!”

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    Giphy

    The impression that hits your mouth upon taking that first sip is the unmistakable taste of a sherbet-flavored La Croix that has been sitting on your kitchen counter for about a day. Wait, that’s too negative. Sorry. I should say, it’s like the ghost of orange Jell-o is haunting a Slurpee! Festive!

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    LOL Portrait mode.

    ELLE.com

    As you drink, you occasionally ingest one of the green chia seeds that has been lurking at the bottom of the cup like a cursed sarcophagus buried under a Taco Bell parking lot. The tia and temerity of these seeds, y’all! Is this a healthy drink?! Is this like an overnight oatmeal as designed by Veruca Salt? My FitBit sent me a pop-up notification that read “Molly, you in danger, girl.”

    The omega-3 fatty acids in these seeds jumped into my bloodstream and just started screaming. They were like, “How did we get here and what are we doing and can you help us?!” I was like “No! We all float down here.” These chia seeds are what really put me over the edge. Who thinks of this?

    The chia seeds are like a squishy punch on the tongue from the devil.

    Chia seeds! I’m upset!

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    HOW DARE?!

    ELLE.com

    Anyway, I drank the whole—

    WAIT! I’m not finished yelling about these chia seeds! Are there any chia seeds in any other Starbucks beverages or did they just cart them in the infuriate me especially? What was the discussion about this like? “We need something that can mimic lizard scales.” (OH! By the way, according to the Starbucks site, these are lizard scales. Gecko dandruff!) “What can we use? Chocolate chips? Orange pieces? No, call up Sweetgreen or wherever and order a gross of their finest chia seeds for us to pour in this beverage for no good reason other than The Nerve.”

    SEEDS! Of a CHIA!

    THE AUDACITY OF NOPE.

    Chia seeds are high in protein and according to every dubiously sourced health website I regularly check they will make me immediately lose 30 pounds and appoint me the new Supreme. A fair trade!

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    Is this art? Unclear!

    ELLE.com

    I’m actually feeling great after drinking it! I’m furious about this! Friar Lawrence is shewk squared.

    Anyway, I drank the whole thing and according to my FitBit I am now legally dead. A ghost wrote this! Festive!

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