Dear E. Jean: I had a brief affair with a musician this year and fell so deeply in love, I now have a huge problem. I work as a journalist, and I know I have no future with him and that I must stop. Yet I keep texting him to “Come over!”
He told me that all the women he’s ever been with have complained about his bad habit of smoking pot every evening (and mornings, too, I think). I believed he meant that they left him because (as I’ve read) most marijuana users live alone and are isolated. So I didn’t want to give up on him! I wanted to show him I cared. I started dropping by for surprise visits. One night, there he was with his pot friends, clearly annoyed that I came, but I spent the night with him. Another time, I surprised him on a Monday morning. He opened the door, said he was sleeping, and turned his back on me.
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I left him alone for about a month, and then I went to see if he was okay. I just want to break his routine, his destructive way of life. Lately, all I do is phone him, text him “Hi, Sweetie!” etc., and drop off books. He lives near my grandmother, so I look up at his windows to see if his blinds are shut—and they always are! I imagine him sitting in there, smoking. I want to burst in, force myself on him, hit him, and scream at him to stop! —Sad Girl
Miss Sad , you charming half-wit: Oh, please. Some of the happiest, richest, cleverest people I know start the day by toking up. Leave the chap alone!
That said, I feel a surge of tenderness for you. Why? Because it’s you who are “alone and isolated,” darling; it’s you who feel “destructive” and long to “force (your)self on him, hit him,” not Mr. Zig Zag. Listen to Auntie Eeee: Stop pestering him. We’ve all been young and foolish when it comes to musicians; but he doesn’t want you standing outside his apartment staring up at his blinds like a zombie menace. Your overheated addiction for this man has eaten your brains. The more you want to change him, the unhappier and crazier you’ll feel.
This letter is from the Ask E. Jean Archive, 1993-2017. Send questions to E. Jean at E.Jean@AskEJean.com.